i'd give anything to be as happy as i was.  even though half the time idk if i can even feel anymore.  i wake up go to class do my hw sleep.  even though others try, no one can replace you.  any maybe that's what's wrong with me.  i shouldnt've let myself fall so hard, so fast.  i wish, i wish, things could've been different.  cause i ment what i said.  i thought we were perfect for each other.  and i hope u ment it too.  but now i feel as if i can't even believe in faith.  and everytime you take something out of ur profiles it just chips a litte more away at my heart.  which even i think is pathetic...but i guess that's just how i am now.  i smile, but even that doesn't reach my eyes.. i can't even remember the last time i laughed...and i mean really laughed.  why do i always let this happen to me?  god, please give me strength.

i'm so scared of losing him.  i don't know what i would do.  everything i do i try to forget him, but i can't.  he's all i see.

i swear to god, something is wrong with me.  i must like the pain or something.  i keep letting ppl do this to me.  i'm swearing off guys.  completely.  fuck them.  and fuck happy endings.  shit like that never happens in real life. 

i can't breath it feels like i'm drowning and i can't even see the top.  i'm lost and my heart is breaking.  does this always have to happen to me.  am i  always gonna be second choice.   i don't even know what to thiknk anymore.  all i know is that i woke up numb this morning.  no more tears.  and i thought what happened with miles sucked.  i didn't love him.  but this time i did.  teaches me for trusting.  gaurd your heart for it is the wellspring of you life.  i didn't listen to myself,  i followed my heart.  and now i don't think things will ever be the same.  i want them to be.  but it's too hard.  all i can do is think about him.  and how he still has feelings for her.  i can't even stand it.  i feel like i lost a part of myself along with him.  he was my best friend.  i want to talk to him when he calls.  i even try, but i can feel the emotions coming.  what can i say to him?  all i think about is him.  all that's on my mind is him.  and i doubt he wants to hear about that.  so all i can do is pray to god to give me strength and to get me through the nights.  i couldn't sleep last night at all.  i tried but i kept waking up.  by 5 am i almost gave up.  he says he needs time and i understand that.  i really do.  but i just don't think it's gonna end up in my favor so why hope.  hoping just leads to more dissappointment.  and maybe if i don't hope i won't hurt.  all i want to do is lash out but he didn't do anything wrong.  i'm glad i found out now.  i just wish this didin't happen at all.  i just want to be happy again.  god, was i happy for a few weeks at least.  i dont think my heart will heal this time.  it just feels so shattered.  </3

so...it's been forever since i last updated =X  i doubt anyone even reads this anymore lol.  anyways i just had my 18th birthday which turned out to be pretty awesome i have to say.  first semester of school is almost over.  we've just been let out on christmas break. and i got into U of M.  such a big step up since my last post.  i feel like i'm in a pretty good place right now.  i can honestly say i'm content.  everything that has bothered me in the past oh say year is gone.  i don't think about it anymore and the only time i do is when i see him which isn't that often.  thanks for small favors lol.  christmas is coming up and i'm soo excited!!! i love the holiddays.  all the food, the presents, the happiness!  hehehe it's enough to cheer anyone up.  i'm just so excited now for next fall.  i can't wait. 

so i just got back from France on thursday.  i miss it so much.  it was shitty to get off that plane and see michigan filled with it's car factory and green polution.  yeah...big change from the beautifull scenery in france.  i have to say france changed me a little if not a lot.  i met some new people who taught me to just have fun and not think about it. lol  met cute french boys, drank french wine, went cliff diving, ran through biarritz at midnight, and having a hell of a time in nice when they won the game against spain.  hehhhe.  most amazing time of my life.  i honestly want to go back....soon.  idk hopfully in a few years if i'm lucky.  it's just so much fun.  everything was so beautiful and people were so friendly at least in nice and biarittz.  they were kinda snotty in paris though.  but everything else made up for it.  if i could be anywhere in the world right now.  i would pick france.  now i'm hoping to just get through this summer...or more specifically july 4.  idk... i guess once i get past this summer i'll be alright.  i mean, how much worse can it get. 

tomorrow me amanda jenn and jay are going to canada!! hehhe it'll deffinatly be a trip.  it'll be funn as long as we don't get lost i guess lol.  anyways she's getting her belly pierced and i'm getting three on my ears.  so yay =)  after these though i think i'm good with the piercings unless i get my cartiledge but i kinda doubt that. 

hehhehe i also took some goofy pics of jay  i swear he cracks me up =)so here

So yeah haven't updated in a while =X and i miss xanga!  idk i've been busy just thinking and trying to bring my grades back up...which they seem to still be in the shitters right now...idk...i guess i've gotta work harder.  I also got my acts scores back and i was soo happy...untill i got to school the next day and found out my scores..yeah not that amazing...but  they made me realize how much closer I am till I go off to college and leave Sterling whites behind.  I have to say the thought of it just makes me smile. 

Everything's actually been pretty good lately.  I see myself smiling so much more and u know what?  nothing can bother me.  Everything seems to be working out in the end and i'm thankful everyday for the people who are there everyday who just brings a smile to my face.  even some guy who I barly know.  iI kno lameeeeeeeee.  but I can't help it. =P

So there's only about a month and a half until I leave for france on the 20th of June!!! I can't wait!  I was excited about it a year ago when I signed up so yeah wayyy more excited now.  I just can't believe i'm actually going.  France has been one of those places that i've always wanted to go to since i was a kid.  I'm gonna take so many pictures my room's gonna be covered in them.

And I also signed up for a summer class at macomb.  I finally get to take something that I actually want to.  It's called basic drawing and the best part is class starts at noon lol so I don't have to wake up at the crack of dawn like last year.  lol.  I finally get to take an art class.  they've just always costed so much that I felt bad asking my parents for the money to take one...but yay problem solved.  Points for macomb scholars.

I was looking through old photo albums the other day and I realized i'm a pretty nostalgic person.  I always feel this bittersweet wish for the things in the past.  and I absolutly hate change.  actually I don't think I hate it I think i'm afraid of it.  I'm so "safe" in my own little bubble that I don't like things moving around on me.  it just freaks me out...I have to learn to get past that and not let things like that bother me. cause u know what?  there are gonna be huuuuge changes coming up.  I shouldn't be too hung up on things that won't last.

~I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.~  Psalm 130:5